Wisdom from the 42nd Page

Paranoid Parenting

On the forty-second page of “Paranoid Parenting: Why Ignoring the Experts May Be Best for Your Child” University of Kent sociology professor Frank Furedi wrote (emphasis added):

making life hell for some of their teachers. But it is not really their fault. They are merely manipulating a dirty-minded world created by obsessive adults.

The distrust of adult motives has encouraged a flight from children, a distancing between the generations. In some cases it has led to an avoidance of physical contact, in others the reluctance to take responsibility. Elderly people in particular are often unclear about what is expected of them in dealing with children. An eighty-two year-old man with numerous grandchildren and great-grandchildren provides a classic illustration of this dilema:

I was in a shop and this woman came in who the wife knew, with her little granddaughter. I was eating a candy, and this little girl looked up at me, so I said, "Would you like a candy?" She got all scared and jumped back. And I said, "Well, that's the best thing you want to do. Never take a candy from anybody." She did right, but it made me feel cheap. It made me feel awful really, to think I was offering a little girl a sweet. And I love kiddies. In the paper you hear that there are horrible people and it's awful, but it made me feel cheap.³⁸

This octogenarian has internalized the new mood of suspicion toward adult motives. His mental retreat from following his well-meaning instincts toward the young girl is part of a general pattern. Sadly, this flight from children means that adult collaboration in raising the young rests on a fragile foundation. Parents of course cannot flee from their children. They are left to deal with the damage caused by the erosion of adult solidarity. They are truly on their own. The decline of adult solidarity means that parents must pay the cost of society's estrangement from its children.

Parents on Their Own

More than ever, parents are on their own. According to Professor John Adams of University College, London, we live in an age of hypermobility, where the car has facilitated a new level of social dispersal. Adams believes

(H/T: Dr. Helen.)

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(Chicago Review Press, September 2002. Paperback, 234 pages. ISBN: 1556524641; EAN: 9781556524646.)

Have a New Kid by Friday

On the forty-second page of “Have a New Kid by Friday: How to Change Your Child's Attitude, Behavior & Character in 5 Days” psychologist Dr. Kevin Leman wrote (most emphasis added):

Put-downs. Struggles over getting up on time for school. Struggles over eating. Kids who don't stay in bed but pop out like the Energizer Bunny. Carelessness with money. Lying. Not completing a project.

Did you know that behavior is learned? And that children will model their behavior after the things they see you say and do?

Think how many times you've said, "I'm never going to do what my father did to me. I'll never speak to my kids the way my mother did to me." Then you find yourself using the same words and the same inflection your parents did.

Think about that little "white lie" you told your boss: "I'm not feeling very well today. I think I need a day to rest." And then you took the kids to the beach.

Or what about the time you promised your children that you'd take them out for ice cream...then you got busy with work and didn't get home until they were already in bed?

That's what I mean. Your attitude can't help but slip out through your behavior, and children are always watching. That means if you want to see your child change, you have to change yourself. If you yell when you get angry, should it surprise you when your 7-year old does it? If you give others the silent treatment, should it surprise you if your 13-year-old isn't talking? Do you break your promises? If so, you need to start honoring your promises—or not making them in the first place. My personal view is that you should never promise your children anything. Promising them is saying that (1) your car will never break down, (2) every day will go exactly as you've planned it, (3) you are perfect, and (4) it won't rain.

Misbehavior is going to happen. Kids are kids. Just accept the fact that they will say and do the dumbest and most embarrassing things you can imagine. I'll never forget what our pediatrician told us when we had Holly, our firstborn. "You have to safety-proof your house because kids are really dumb when it comes to putting things in their mouths." Kids will pull a dog's tail and get bit, they'll

More information about “Have a New Kid by Friday: How to Change Your Child's Attitude, Behavior & Character in 5 Days” (and the book itself) is available from:

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(Revell, March 2008. Hardcover, 304 pages. ISBN: 0800719026; EAN: 9780800719029.)

Puppy's First Steps

On the forty-second page of “Puppy's First Steps: A Whole-Dog Approach to Raising a Happy, Healthy, Well-Behaved Puppy” the faculty of the Cummings School of Veterinary Medicine at Tufts University wrote (some emphasis added):

Remember, a crate is a place where your pup should feel that he never has to watch his back, even if he is watching others. It should become his haven, his retreat, like a teenager's bedroom. For the most part, the door should be kept open, but you can nonchalantly close it for a few minutes here and there so your pup becomes acclimated to staying inside in preparation for housetraining sessions.

Things Not to Have on Hand

At the same time you want to buy for the puppy everything that will make him comfortable and secure, you also want to puppy-proof the house. That means, first of all, not leaving electric wires festooned around the rooms; make sure they are taugt and out of the pup's reach, if possible, so he cannot chew through them and get a serious electric jolt. Throw drapes and tablecloths over railings or the back of a chair so the puppy won't tousle them. Keep cords, including phone cords, well out of harm's way. Secure closet doors and cupboards near the ground. Puppies love getting into things that should be off-limits. (Adult dogs don't have so much of that babyish curiosity that leads them to places and things verboten.) By the same token, elevate above puppy height items that you don't want chewed or broken. (Many people start the new puppy in the kitchen. Get the Ming vase out of there.)

You may want to put up kiddie gates in certain places, for instance at the bottom of the stairs, if you don't want your new pup wandering around upstairs by himself. And if you don't want him sniffing around the rand piano or the good furniture, create a barrier to the formal living room. Where you do let him wander, make sure the floor is easy to clean in the event of an accident. (Expect accidents at first.)

Of course, keep items toxic to dogs well out of reach. These include the following:

All household cleaners. These do not taste good to dogs, so poisoning from soaps, detergents, and so on is uncommon.

All medicines. Many are coated, which makes them palatable. A dog can eat an entire bottle of ibuprofen in a single sitting. Even one or two pills are potentially dangerous. Many drugs that are okay for humans are toxic to dogs. Don't ever assume, "It works for me, so it's okay for my pup."

More information about “Puppy's First Steps: A Whole-Dog Approach to Raising a Happy, Healthy, Well-Behaved Puppy” (and the book itself) is available from:

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(Houghton Mifflin Company, July 2008. Paperback, 286 pages. ISBN: 0547053614; EAN: 9780547053615.)

Why Parents Matter

On the forty-second page of “Why Parents Matter: Parental Investment and Child Outcomes” psychologist Nigel Barber wrote (emphasis added):

having failed, it is more objective, and a lot more optimistic, to recognize that people vary in how helpful or antisocial their behavior is without necessarily being "sick." On the contrary, there are some contexts in which acting "nice" is interpreted as weakness and ruthlessly exploited.

By the same token, children tend to mirror certain aspects of how they are treated by parents. Clinical psychologists often refer to the cycle of violence in families, according to which people who come from abusive homes tend to become abusive parents. A less professional formulation is, "What goes around comes around." Children who are raised by harsh, abusive parental figures are different from the unfortunate children raised without parents in orphanages. Instead of being deprived of socializing experiences, they are actually provided with some very emphatic examples of what adults do. For example, they learn that social problems may be solved by the use of force. They also learn that since their fathers are physically strong than their mothers, masculine will tends to prevail in family disputes. In addition, they learn that the social world of adults, from the family outward, is tough and competitive and that people are devious, mean, and unreliable.

Of course, these impressions of life form the perspective of an abusive home, whether it is in a poor urban neighborhood or a respectable suburb, are quire realistic. Children's brains have been designed by natural selection to keep them in efficient touch with the social environment in which they are raised. These attitudes can therefore be considered adaptive. They only come to seem like an illness when judged in terms of their bad social consequences. Such environments tend to undermine the potential of children to learn control over their impulses. They have difficulty grasphing complex rules of expected behavior and wanting to follow them. In short, they do not learn those things that they need to know to succeed in the workforce, from speaking correctly and politely to self-discipline and the work ethic, and what they have learned makes it much more likely that their personal behavior and income-generation activities will get them in trouble with the law.

Harsh and inconsistent parenting actively teaches children that there are no consistent social rules. If you cannot predict when a parent will punish you, then it makes little sense to try pleasing the parent by obeying the rules. If there is little justice—your sister is always indulged despite her bad behavior and you are punished even when you are being good—then it makes sense to be constantly vigilant to protect your selfish interests. Reduced parental investment associated with abusive homes increases the risk of the child being delinquent, using illegal drugs, dropping out of high school, joining gangs, being unemployed, and becoming the parents of an unplanned child during the teen years (particularly for girls).²¹

One very important practical consequence of reduced parental investment is that children in some ways come to treat themselves like they have

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